CSM was yesterday :) it wasn't bad. ERM actually it was quite bad.

Flag-raising was just ... Awkward and Horrible. I shudder to think about NPDP, therefore I will not cast my thoughts in that direction, okay? I will think more about Practising how to raise the flag instead.

OMG thinking about it my palms are getting sweaty, No Joke O_O aish so frightening D: and the speech too -in pain-. THE SPEECH BY MR MICHAEL PALMER, CHAIRMAN OF THE 14TH NPCC COUNCIL.

(and the winner of that 3-way election thing)

But okay. Yesterday. After flag-raising I watched a few more races and also people blowing bubbles xD then I'd to go change ._. even though it was technically not even my shift ._. then why do we have the shift system in the first place aiyooo make Weiting do so much work.

Ah okay, so the changing (Jialing and I took AGES ._.) then we stood guard? I was with Lumjia at the staircase in front of the toilet. IT WAS DAMN WEIRDDD CAUSE EVERYONE WAS STARING AT ME WHILE THE QUEUE FOR THE TOILET STEADILY LENGTHENED. Then they were like looking up and some asked "isn't there a toilet up there" and I was like "YES BUT THE SECOND FLOOR IS OUT OF BOUNDS". Then I continued stoning while actually being intelligently alert, which also means I was IMMENSELY AWARE OF THE TWENTY PAIRS OF EYES D: So stressful I don't even ._. Even the cleaner uncle gestured with his cleaning materials (?) to the second-floor toilet and said v loudly that there was indeed a toilet upstairs (which of course, made every person who did not know of such a toilet's existence KNOW of such a toilet's existence ._.). Then I patiently explained that they could not go up. Then he was like /thumbsup "very good!"

LOL LOL LOL I was O_Oing at that. What else?

Oh yeah random 213ers like Kellynn came and poked up. Dorcas and Shinyee were laughing at me T_T haha. And kind deed doers like Ting Ting and Huiting gave me and Lumjia milo ^^ 2 cups each somemore WAHAHAHAHA. That is why after that, when 2 other people I didn't really know (KF's ex-classmate Crystal?!?! and YEOW XUAN O_O?) attempted to give me milo, I refused them politely.

Yep then Lumjia had to go away and I'd to face the eyes alone :(

Then after that I switched places with 44 and went to the track instead. SO HOT THERE. And kinda boring :X especially after a smart squadmate pushed the chairs attached to the boundary string CORDON more inward so the counsellors wouldn't move backwards so much in excitement and block the track. And omg Laijiahui's boots Peeled in the Sun seriously O_OO_OO_O_OO_O new ones somemore D: whai liddis. Mine didn't though :O maybe 'cause I wasn't in the sun for too long and I polished them a bit the previous night.

Anyway yes after 30 minutes or so I went back to the lovely toilet/staircase!! Actually no I blocked some other pathway near the toilet ._. and suddenly some 314 people came up to me (including Rachel Wu and Li Shuen) and started saying something about being blocked by HCNP guys and ran off O_O it sounded like an escape plan but I am really not sure LOL HAHA).

After like... 5 minutes there a CI came and PYM came and I went to the main exit instead! To block people from running downhill and escaping -.- oh but seriously Mdm Y is the best la. She just shouted at people .__________.

THIS REMINDS ME OF A DISAPPOINTING THING THAT HAPPENED AT CSM TOO. APPARENTLY _ ESCAPED WHEN THE AREA WAS UNDER SQUADMATES' JURISDICTION.

I can't even... express how shocked/disappointed I am la seriously! I could throw some words out now that would hopefully express my !! but I will not because after all _ _ _ _. Ugh, though.

-

SABRINA I HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU FOR LIKE HOW LONG AH?

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Aishh Monday I will be so busy. Not Tuesday though, Tuesday is Vesak Day. WAIT I WILL STILL BE BUSY 'CAUSE OF GOING TO TEMPLES AND WHATNOT. ):! Is sad is sad is sad.

-

Nao I'll go Starbucks :D BAI.

but seriously. it's been so long since we had an INTERESTING election :O with so many key players this time round~ both in terms of GRCs/SMPs and CANDIDATES LOL.

i'm doing bio sia :D fish dissection.

then i've chem sia, uh chinese composition and OH YEAH JIANG HOMEWORK wtfbbq :3 i dislike doing jiang homework argh i'm so tired :(

i don't get why people hate PAP so much honestly. yes it's true they're not PERFECT; which government is you tell me -_- they're one of the better governments around (hello least corrupted) and okay, opposition IS lacking in the parliament. but there's no need to go so far and push pap completely off the edge :/ like some people on temasek review are saying (i roll my eyes at them). i think minister george yeo is v awesome D: plsplspls aljunied PLEASE.

omg so funny that PM Lee said he's new to the fb game so "there's no need to flame" him. i am quoting the person from VOTE 2011 SINGAPORE. yes i'm watching it! but results only come out at 11 :( but it's still so FUN.

okay i shall continue my powerpoint. i hope you miss my posts because i miss them too ._. baiiii love yall (okay. not really. but yeah)

but okay, for the TWO people who read my blog (jiachun and sabrina), i shall!

okay this is a reflective post about self-improvement.

in my head just now, this was a deep and thought-provoking post but i've forgotten how to start it ._.

anyway...

thinking back on everything that has happened recently, I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED.

i used to think i don't have any commitments (except french and np la) but now i DO. maybe definitely not as much as people from council/psl/etc! in charge of organising and etc. but quite a fair few. mostly from np ._. QT, ST and now NPDP which khengfang just informed me about. not about NPDP; about my ROLE IN IT (WTADASD). which is something for later!

anyway. yep. overwhelmed. but i still can't quite wrap my head around all the things i've to do, and i'm still slacking around here.

last act, i was making so many mistakes and my rifle wasn't straight and obviously wai1 and my drills were just BADDDDDDDDDDDDDDD and somemore i wasn't feeling well enough for PT so generally my performance was just horrible.

-dislike-

i could totally give an excuse for my performance. i could say, i wasn't feeling well (because i really wasn't -_-). actually partially, yes that's true i was distracted by the constant pain in my stomach. but a larger part of my mistake-making was my LACK OF SKILL.

LACK OF SKILL. it's not just in np, but also in other parts of my life. academics ._____., general social aptitude (i am very socially inept), etc. i Know this. i completely and totally know i am lacking and i want to change.

BUT DO I TRY (oh i realise i've been talking about this exact same topic for years now lol same old same old).

no i don't. okay maybe i do, but i've no willpower to continue. if i were to meet with a car accident (choy touchwood) i would confirm (CHOY) die because i've no willpower to continue living wtf. this willpower, or lack thereof, thing is severely affecting my POTENTIAL (...). i believe i can do better; i KNOW i can. looking at my A1s (okay be good i actually got any hor), i can't help but feel DISSATISFIED (i try to ignore the others. but i also look at them and feel dissatisfied). i tell myself, and others, that A1 is already GOOD, that i shouldn't ask for more given my usual standards. but deep down i KNOW i can achieve a higher A1, if only i'd worked harder.

okay but enough of all this i-know-but-i-just-can't rubbish, let's take a twist!

i think i'm scared of doing my best. i'm afraid that if i really do my best, and am aware of it, if the results aren't good then...

then yeah i would feel even more depressed 'cause even my best isn't enough. in my head i can imagine all sorts of great things i can do if ONLY I TRIED HARDER, but if reality doesn't meet up to expectations i'd just implode, seriously.

so i don't try. i don't try, so that even if i don't do well, i can still tell myself "oh srsly you can do better just try harder Next Time".

next time next time. next time NEVER comes.

and now i'm pissed with myself, strangely. because this sticking my head in a hole thing is so blindingly obvious that even I MYSELF CAN SEE IT. maybe you can't haha but wtv.

the thing is... i want change. and not just the change that politicians always seem to gua4 zai4 zui3 bian1. the REAL ACTUAL CHANGE, the one you don't need to say - just do. (okay it is a bit peculiar that i am announcing my intention to change in this case)

i'm exhausted. it's one o'clock.

i should sleep soon. bye.